Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
