There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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