my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
