I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
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