my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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