glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
