I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
