Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
