I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
