apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
