I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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