she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
