Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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