She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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