Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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