This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
