There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
