My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
