When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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