Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
