i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I intend to get homeless drunk
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
