Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
