btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
