When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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