When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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