I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
