And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
