1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
