they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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