i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
