The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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