He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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