Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
