Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
