Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
