Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Couch. On fire.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
