he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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