We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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