The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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