I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
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I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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