I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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