First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
