Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
