dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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