As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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