I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
