just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
