Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
