So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
