Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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