News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
