All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
