I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
