Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
