hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
