when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
