My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
