i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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