She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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