I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
