No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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