No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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